Parenting

When I started this blog, I intended it to be a record of our learning, and that will account for what may seem a random bouncing around of subjects.  I find this a place to record all sorts of things I'm learning, and to reflect on past lessons.  Our family blog is much lighter.  That being said, my itch to record today's thoughts maybe won't seem so out of place.  :)

I rarely thought about parenting as a child/ youth.  In fact, I only remember one time distinctly thinking about it.  I thought it was too hard to do the dishes I'd been assigned and I promised myself that, "I will never make my children do dishes!"  At least my thoughts toward my future children were aimed (though incorrect) at loving them.

As a freshman in college, I rather suddenly had the natural desire to become a wife and a mother, and I wanted to be a good wife and mother.  So I started paying attention to anything that was said on the subject, and over the course of my college years even sought out direction on the matter so I could be prepared.  I am very grateful for the inspired words of our church leaders in this direction.  I really think I was as prepared as I could be when I finally met and married Jim.  Not that I was a perfect wife or am one now, but I feel my preparation was fairly complete.

We eagerly brought children into the world.  Actually, we are still eagerly bringing children into our family.  :)  We were pretty typical first time parents when Logan was born.  Logan was held ALL THE TIME.  It somehow seemed wrong to put him on the floor.  I JUMPED whenever he let out the littlest whimper.  I felt guilty when we moved him out of our room into his own ONE WALL AWAY because I'm such a light sleeper and I couldn't rest with a baby that near me.  He was always perfectly clean and fully dressed.  I didn't dare take him near other kids if he had a slightly runny nose.  His sleeping and eating schedule was of utmost importance; dare anyone to tamper with that and I'd be upset.  I followed him anywhere he went once he was mobile; letting him be alone in a different room was unthinkable.  I entertained him every moment he was awake, and felt guilty if ever I snatched 30 min. for something I wanted to do.  He was coddled in every way imaginable.  We created a very demanding child!  He knew we loved him, though, and we expressed our love in the best way we knew how at the time. 

I now lovingly call this 'first time parent syndrome' because I'd never do it that way again, but then again I know it was important for us at the time.  It really is a great indicator of a parent putting their whole heart into the job.  So my saying I'd never do it that way again is definitely NOT a criticism for anyone who does it that way.  In fact, when I see a parent doing the things I did with Logan during that stage, I recognize a great love.

When Annie came along, or rather when I was very sick with that pregnancy, I suddenly couldn't give Logan my undivided attention 100% of the time.  I'm grateful we established our family standard for media well before we had children, because I probably would have been tempted to turn on movies for him a lot during this period.  I was still in the mode of 'I need to keep my child entertained'.  Anyway, I needed to be horizontal a lot for a few months in order to maintain a reasonable internal state, so Logan learned to play without me.  That was enlightening and liberating.  I realized that he could entertain himself.  Wow!  That made the whole pregnancy (and moving during the middle of it) a lot easier.  He still had tons of my attention, though, which was very appropriate. 

Along came Annie and she had a very different babyhood than Logan.  She was held a lot it's true (all babies should be in my opinion), and we maintained a pretty regular schedule (though I no longer freaked out if it was upset), but she didn't have 100% of Momma, and I didn't worry about entertaining her all the time.  It wasn't an option, and I think she learned to be more independent sooner than Logan did as a result.  I'd learned it was better not to jump at the first hint of a whimper, or immediately when she stumbled because she learned to not worry about things as much and it gave her the chance to decide if the incident was truly upsetting or not.  Of course, I'd answer her cries when she needed me, especially as a newborn.  But when she accidentally plopped on her bum when she was learning to stand, I gave her the chance to decide if it was worth crying over before coming to console her.  We'd taught Logan to cry over things like that because we immediately ran to his aid.  He always got the message, "This is something to be upset about."  He was definitely our baby who cried most frequently.

I'd have to say that Logan's and Annie's toddlerhood was my height of feeling like a fabulous parent.  Life was extremely simple, their needs were easily met, and they weren't old enough to cause any real mischief.  Not to mention, they hadn't fully entered into the time period of really learning right and wrong.  We played, read, and had a balance where they also entertained themselves while I did other worthwhile things.  They were happy, Jim and I were happy, life was peaceful and calm.  Our house was always clean, and I put my energy into my family.  I felt like I had the parent thing down.  I could have been accused of feeling like super-mom a lot.

I'm grateful for that time because it taught me what parenthood can feel like and should feel like.  So even though our dynamics have shifted, and I have days where I feel like a lousy mom, I always know what feeling I'm aiming for.  That time period also gave me great confidence to forge the years ahead.  I was always nervous about raising older children.  I could tell that was going to be more complicated.

When Alex was born we had a few more months of this calm period.  Alex's newborn stage was similar to Annie's except that he didn't like to be held a lot.  From day one he would fuss until we set him on the floor.  He even liked the floor during sacrament meeting!  He's always liked his own space, and that proved to be a great blessing while he was very little.

We entered into a time period that was very stressful for Jim and I, and that required me to take a lot of time away from my children.  I honestly felt like I wasn't able to be a mother during about two months of this time.  Because Alex was so content to lay or sit on the floor, he handled this amazingly well.  Annie and Logan were great at entertaining themselves by this time, and that made it so they handled it well too.  At this time, though, we had little clue about teaching our children to make good choices, and even less of a clue about appropriate consequences for poor behavior.  That (and Logan's anxiety) was our big parenting struggle during this time period, and one which got worse before it improved.

The biggest struggle at this time, though, was a personal one.  I was truly depressed and longer than just a few days.  I'd never experienced that in my life and I recognized it was my own doing.  We'd gone through some things that were difficult and I hadn't been as Christ-like as I could have been for a period of some months.  I know for a certainty that this was the reason I was feeling that way.  I experienced what it was like to lose motivation, energy, and good desire.  I knew that I couldn't let it last.  I couldn't be a good wife or mother if I allowed myself to feel that way.  Further I knew what it felt like to be motivated, happy, content, and peaceful.  I wanted the old feeling back and I knew it was possible.  Depression doesn't subside in a day, nor does adversity, so I faced a few more months before I felt better and felt I could again be the type of mother I wanted to be. 

Around the time Alex turned one and Annie turned three, I was happier and able to focus on new parenting challenges.  One challenge was having an almost school age child; Logan was four and a half.  Because we were planning to homeschool, I started implementing kidschool and finding my way into a good groove.  Another challenge was helping Logan with his anxiety day in and day out.  He needed me to talk him through life because everything was incredibly stressful for him.  That took a lot of time every day, and accounts for the reason Logan still received way more attention than his siblings up until recently.  (It's much more evenly split now.)  Our third challenge was and still is teaching children to make good choices and be accountable for them. 

So when the kids were 1, 3, and 4, we had recently read a book called A House United, Teaching Self Government by Nicholeen Peck.  The main idea was that it is important for children to grow up understanding their agency or ability to choose, that their own positive choices will mean positive consequences, and their own negative choices will mean negative consequences.  If children are able to really understand this, they will be enabled to self-govern, and are much more likely to make good choices.  The lady who wrote the book went on to explain how her family has successfully done this with their own children and with many foster children.  We were inspired.  So many of her words rang true to us, and we decided to try her system.

It's taken some time, especially because we are far from perfect and therefore not always consistent, but I can see how that blessed our family.  The kids know what to expect for good and bad behavior and we've been able to watch them consciously think through their actions as a result.  We use time-out now as a place to calm down or rethink things rather than a punishment and it works amazingly well.  They earn extra chores for bad behavior.  This is consistent (mostly) and it not only helps the kids, but it helps us react better because we already have a plan!  Even Alex responds well to this.

Today I was reading some questions posed by mothers of two and three year olds who couldn't wrap their minds around teaching these little ones choices and consequences.  Of course it made me think about my two year old (and was really what got me thinking about my parenting experience) and the success I feel we've had with him.  The funny thing is that we hadn't consciously taught him; it had been carry over from using this system with our older kids.  From the time he was one and crawling, he was sent to his room for time out in order to calm down rather than as punishment as we did with the other two.  After a short time with this, he started taking himself to time out.  It was actually very amusing to watch our crying baby crawl into his room, cry for a minute, and then come out calm.  He'd even do it (still will) in other people's homes.  We recognized, however, that he had quickly learned this was a way to happiness!  That's why he was taking himself in there.  He still puts himself in time out when he's upset sometimes, and he always uses it at a place to calm down when we send him there.  He actually really likes that time in his room; when he's having a particularly bad day he will stay in there for a long time, not because he's crying, but because he really is collecting himself.  He's always happier when he decides to come out.  It has made a lot of happiness in our home.  Gone are the days where a child cries and cries (for now...)!  He is by far our least whiny toddler, and I think this is why.  His personality certainly doesn't indicate it. 

As Alex has gotten older and decided to hit or kick out of anger he's been sent to time out until, "You're ready to be a nice boy."  That's mostly all we say to him at this point, but we can see that he thinks it through when he's in there because he always modifies his behavior when he chooses to come out.  He doesn't earn extra chores yet because we don't feel he's quite old enough for that.  He sees his siblings, though, so I have no doubt he'll understand it when he's ready.  So at this point his consequences are having to think it over and seeing that he made someone sad.  It really seems to be enough.

This is a work in progress.  This was a great answer for a struggle our family was having, and no doubt we will continue to change, and struggle as new challenges arise.  I hope we get better and better at this parenting thing.  Everyone says, "Wait until you have a teenager."  I'm waiting, VERY PATIENTLY.  :)  One day at a time is something I am very grateful for. 

I have plenty of 'lousy mom' days, but I'm an optimist and can't help but look at my children and our life that way.  I know they aren't perfect, and I know that I'm even farther from being perfect.  When they were babies, I couldn't imagine losing my temper with them or being unkind to them in any way.  I now know that parenting is hard!  It's amazing to me that I used a self-help book in my parenting, but our family needed it!  (If you know my stubborn know-it-all personality that will make sense.)  

Probably the greatest lesson I've experienced as a parent is one I knew beforehand.  Love and living the gospel to the best of my ability are what makes a happy family.  I had a lot of faith before marrying that if I did my best every day to live what I knew to be true, and I loved my spouse and children, that the Lord would guide me in the challenges ahead.  That has been entirely true, right down to placing a self help book in my path (which I never would have read had it not been for a book group), and helping me recognize when I needed to make personal changes so I could receive inspiration.  It was what enabled us to recognize a very great struggle in our oldest son and be able to respond in the manner he needed.  It is how I know from day to day if I'm doing things right and where I need to improve.  It is how we knew homeschooling would be right for us and how to do it.  It is the source of peace that I rely so heavily on.